Listen To Your Doctor - Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"..ooh!
1872: A man said to a preacher, "That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original." The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary. Daily Phoenix, April 4, 1872.
1896: A fellow tells his ma that there are two holes in his trousers — and then tells her that's where he puts his feet through. Cincinnati Enquirer, Nov. 1, 1896.
"Will I Live To 80?" - I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."
Chocolate covered Peanuts - A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
How to Play Golf - "What is your handicap these days?" one golfer asked another. "I'm a scratch golfer I write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad ones."
What did you say Huh? - Three
retirees, each with a hearing! loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third
man chimed in, "I'm thirsty too, Let's have a beer."
Confession - An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
Don't wake Up Until Ten - Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy year old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I piss like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy year old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the sixty year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty ?" To which the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."
Ray Jessel: 84-Year-Old Sings a Naughty Original Song - America's Got Talent 2014. "What She's Got - The Penis Song." Laugh along to the lyrics of his naughty tune!
Press Conference Ever (ft. Weird Al Yankovic) (youtube)
Polly-O String Cheese Classic Commercial hey jimmie give me a cheeze with nothin, nothin? (youtube)
by Golf Brooks (Brain Farts) (youtube)
TJ Miller Improvs 4 Straight Minutes Of Old Man Insults In 'Silicon Valley' Outtake Silicon Valley Season 3, Ep. 1 My Aviato Outtakes (HBO) (youtube)
John Hetlinger: 82-Year-Old Singer Shocks the Room with Hard Rock Cover - America's Got Talent 2016 (youtube) Drowning Pool - Bodies
I Hope You Get Better - A retired
man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his
portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny
songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished he said, in
farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman
replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
Police Pull Over a Teenager
Police: where do u live?
teenager: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
teenager: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Police: where is ur house?
teenager: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
teenager: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
teenager: next to my house
Teacher speaking to her Class
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
Man calls 911
man: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
man: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
man: The ugly one is winning.
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR"?..and then I said, "Hell ya, I know the whole alphabet."...Then everyone laughed..well everyone except one guy.
The Famous Man
On day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him [because, of course, everybody knows him]. One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?" and the old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."
Four Times in the Rocking Chair
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
In a crazy kind of way... this makes a little sense!! Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, plus an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
Senior Citizen Texting Codes (Funny)
ATD - At The Doctors
BFF - Best Friend Fell
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMMO - Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Message Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing and Can't Get Up
TTYL - Talk To You Louder
Inter Lingo, Acronyms, Jargon and Text Message Shorthand
Short Jokes / One Liners
You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Having sex is like playing cards. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't
99 I'd be dead.
I'll be spontaneous when I get around to it..
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo Who? Don't cry, it's only a Joke.
Knock knock! Who’s there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little money for the movies.
Knock knock! Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? I’m excited to see you too!
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come.
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Weevil. Weevil who? Weevil weevil rock you.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Nunya. Nunya Who? Nunya Business
Knock Knock! Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acid calm down and be quiet.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Ice cream. Ice cream who? Ice cream if you don't let me in.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Beets! Beets who? Beets me.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Gorilla. Gorilla Who? Gorilla me a burger, I`m Hungry.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, but I'd like some peanuts!
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!
Knock knock! Who's there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the volume, it's my favorite song!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana have sex with you!
Knock knock! Who's there? Foreskin! Foreskin who? The worlds greatest foreskin teller.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Juno! Juno who? Juno I love you right?
Knock Knock! Who's there? Aldo! Aldo who? Aldo anything for you!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Al. Al who? Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Anita! Anita who? Anita a hug right now.
Knock knock! Who's there? Needle! Needle who? Needle a little love right now.
Knock knock! Who's there? Ketchup. Ketchup who? Ketchup to me and I will tell you.
Revision of 60s and 70s songs...
They just don't make the songs like they used to any more!!!!!!!
Some of the artists of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday. They include:
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again.
Why do We Laugh?
Could one Knit a Sweater from Human Navel Lint?
Georg collected an astonishing 503 lint samples over three years and individually weighed them, displaying his results in a mass distribution chart. We learn that the average sample weight was 1.82 milligrams — that is, 1.82 thousandths of a gram. Navel lint, or at any rate Georg’s navel lint, consists of cotton cellulose fibers mixed with skin cells, fat, and sweat. Men produce the most navel lint. Georg hypothesizes that this is because abundant male abdominal hair surrounding the belly button scrapes the lint free from the subject’s cotton clothing and channels it into the navel. When he shaved the area around his belly button, lint production plunged. The total weight of Georg’s collected lint — three years’ worth, mind you — was less than a gram. Clearly, therefore, collecting sufficient lint to make a sweater would be a slow job. My assistant Una calculated that getting enough for a long-sleeve cotton top, which for some reason she thought was a better benchmark than a sweater, would take 150 years; a cotton sweatshirt would take about 752 years. However, anyone who has time to collect belly button lint is obviously in no hurry, and all that cotton would seem to provide the raw material for spinning thread. Could we do it? Sadly, the answer is almost certainly not. Most cotton-spinning processes need an average fiber length of at least two-thirds of an inch, much longer than you’d expect to find in navel lint. While you can spin shorter fibers with a lot of effort and some binder, remember the reason navel lint is there in the first place is that it worked loose from whatever you were wearing. If you harvested some of the body’s lengthier fibrous product — for example, nose hairs grown by men of a certain age — there you might have potential sweater material. But navel lint is suitable only for stuffing a pillow, and a pretty small one at that.
The Belly Button Fluff X-Mas Sweater (youtube)